FAILURE

Failure. That word looms over me like a great storm cloud full of lightening ready to strike.

It's the biggest thing that hinders me. My fear of failure is what keeps me starting and stopping. I think it's because in the back of my head I don't really believe I can do it. I have ALWAYS been over weight. I have never been thin or even just chubby. Since for as long as I can remember I have been overweight.

I haven't blogged for a long time but I have been dieting. I am currently at 310. I just can't seem to get past 300. I am afraid of failing. It's been easier to just stop trying rather than fail. There is just something so frustrating about exercising through the pain, eating veggies until they come out my ears and the scale not move.

But this time I have decided that if I fail I will fail fighting. I will fight for health for as long as it takes. Quitting isn't an option. I must fight for my health.

So failure can loom overheard if it wants, but it won't get the chance to rain today.

I'm a Warrior in a Pink Polka-Dot Bandana

Today I found myself frustrated. Frustrated at myself. The scale. But mostly at myself.

I mean, I know that the scale isn't going to move unless I give a reason too, but it just seems like it's broken or something. It hasn't budged.

I feel like I'm working out, eating okay (I need to really tighten this up) but it's not showing.

I just watched last night's premiere of the Biggest Loser. It was not a typical BL, but I liked it. I always feel inspired by the show. Some people may not, may even feel frustrated by the show, but it gives me hope. I think it's because I can "see" people doing the things that I and most of us think we can't do. By the end of each show I'm thinking, "if they can do THAT, I can surely make it through 60 minutes of moderate cardio!!"

So I woke up this morning feeling frustrated, I think I may have mentioned that. I was feeling tired of the fight. Tired of watching every little calorie that goes in my mouth. Tired of feeling terrible, trying to lose weight to fix it, but feeling too bad to do what it takes to fix it. Yes, I know, I'm speaking in circles. The journey looks so long.

Then I went to hulu to see if BL was up from last night and to my surprise it was. In season's past it would be up the next week. So I clicked it. I have tons of stuff to do today, but I wanted to watch it.

I'm glad I did. I feel inspired. I was reminded that if I don't do this, I will die young. Sometimes I think we forget, I know I do, because we are so used to being overweight and we live our lives, that we are in bad health. Even if we don't think we are.

So I sat myself down and gave myself a good talkin' too. I reminded myself that I am strong. I am capable. It will not happen over night, but it will happen. I just have to stay the course and keep fighting the fight of fat. I hate the word obese. I mean really HATE it. I know I am, why must I use that word. But I did today. I looked in the mirror and said, "you are obese, you must do something about it. Quit feeling down about how much there is to lose and just DO IT already."

I took out my pink polka dot bandana (my favorite one). I tied it around my head and looked in the mirror. I am a Warrior, in the true since of the word. Here is what Wikipedia says is the definition of warrior;
~~"A warrior is a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate warrior class. According to the Random House Dictionary, the term warrior has two meanings. The first literal use refers to "someone engaged or experienced in warfare." The second figurative use refers to "a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics." ~~

I just happen to belong to two teams of Warriors here on SP. One is the Wii Warriors, racing toward a finish line. The other is the Bronze Warriors, challenging ourselves in biggest loser challenges.

We are fighting the battle of obesity, fighting off death to keep it as far down the road as possible. Even warriors get tired or frustrated. Warriors are human too. But warriors don't stay that way for long because the battle will not wait for me to have a pity party. I. must. keep. fighting. My life depends on it.

Warrior just seems to be the word used to describe my life. And yes, I fight wearing a pink polka dot bandana.

BLAH!!

That's how I feel today. Just BLAH! I did some yoga, some strength training and some Wii, but I am not sure my heart was in it. I feel like I am stuck. Every time I make progress, I take two steps back.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I just feel like I keep hitting a wall. I am still working toward my goal but I am not having as much confidence that I'm going to make it.

I wanted to do a cleanse from the book I'm reading. I got the supplies and I did really well all day yesterday even though I was starving and weak. Until last night. I had only had 480 calories (8 servings of black grapes) all day and water. I was shaking. At the time I felt like I needed to eat something else or I was really going to hurt myself. So I ate. Then came the guilt. I still feel guilty today. I feel like I gave up. I did read further in my book and realized I am probably not in a healthy condition to do that but I can't help but feel guilty. So this morning my little son was eating a donut and so I had a few little donut holes too (total emotional eating). Now the guilt has compounded.

Even though I am feeling rather BLAH, I will make this a good day. I will eat healthy and make sure that my calories are in range and also that I am exercising the way I know I need too. I must keep pressing forward.

This is me pushing back t

The Day the Mini Doughnuts Won

I have been doing so well. Monitoring my calories and being well within my range everyday. I have been exercising daily and increasing my intensity everyday. I am back to drinking at least 10 cups of water everyday.

Then yesterday evening happened.

We went out to eat. The food I ate tasted good. And I didn't really eat a lot of it, but I left feeling like I had eaten a brick. I was full and miserable.

I stopped at the market to pick up some juice and milk for the family and I made the mistake of taking my four year old in with me. I lovingly refer to him as my Sparkplug and he wanted doughnuts. Powered and chocolate covered. Now, I don't buy these items very often. Maybe once a month, maybe even less than that. My kids love fruit and veg and, well, doughnuts. I thought about it and I said okay. No reason they shouldn't have a treat just because I am trying to get healthy and lose weight.

Powered doughnuts have no hold on me whatsoever. I could care less. I should have just bought those. Chocolate doughnuts on the other hand, well, they call my name from the bag. They may even call my name from the grocery store and I live to far away to hear it. I resisted, until this afternoon.

Then all was lost. I found myself having downed 9 miniature doughnuts, which for mini doughnuts pack a wallop in the calorie department. I am so mad! At me! Just call me Joy Self-sabotage!!

So between last night and today, I feel awful. Yes, I feel guilty, but more importantly I FEEL awful, physically. I am tired. My stomach is arguing with me about my choices and my head is pounding. I was feeling so good. My fibro flare was all but out. My arthritis pain was 80% better. I didn't feel like I was walking around in a fog anymore. I didn't enjoy that meal last night. Yes as the food was passing my tongue I did, but afterward I just felt YUCKY! Then now, as I type this, I could just lay my head down and nap!

So now that I've properly kicked myself in the back-side I will pick myself up and I will go work out. I will work these doughnuts off. Watermelon for dinner!

Emotions

My emotions have been getting the best of me. And I eat my emotions. So lets just say that my weight loss is not going so great. I love to exercise. I enjoy it, but my eating is keeping me from losing weight. I do really well and then suddenly I fall to pieces and eat everything in sight!! I hate that!!

I did have a long night with Mr. Man-of-the-House last night and I know that he is trying to be helpful but for some reason I don't process it. He loves me no matter what, but he wants me to be around for awhile and if I am going to do that I HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. Its such a daunting thought that I need to lose 180 pounds to be in my healthy BMI range. That's so much weight, I feel overwhelmed. I know others have done it and even lost more than that. I can too. I just really need to get my head in this game.

I am going to start posting here everyday. I am going to starting thinking with a positive attitude instead of a defeated one. I am going back to the one day at a time and celebrate my daily successes. Most of the time I don't think to positively about myself which leads to defeatedness which leads to Ding-dongs and Reeses. I have to break the cycle. I will.

I will.

Getcha Head in the Game!

My head is everywhere but in the game. I have completely fallen off the wight loss journey. No exercise, regular soda, I am just a mess. In my defense, I got sick. I ended up needing ginger ale to keep from vomiting every half hour. Exercise when sick is not going to happen and so therefore, I am here. Weight loss seems impossible and I am still not feeling well. See then I feel bad for falling off the wagon and so I eat. Makes perfect sense right? Right. Eat because you are eating the wrong things. ACK! I have to break this cycle.

I have to push through this. I have to make this happen. The weight isn't just going to fall off on its own. If I want to feel better, I have to make this happen!

I have to do this. For life.

Obiviously I Am Weak

Jump start week as not been successful. ARGH!!

I had a major case of the munchies and anything that was unhealthy was on the list. It started with pizza Friday night and went down hill from there. I have been on a slippery slope of ding dongs and Big Red soda since. My beloved Veggie soup is still sitting the fridge patiently waiting on me. I refuse to quit just because of a couple days of insanity. Back on track today, no excuses.

I am home from church today with a sick kiddo, so I might as well use it wisely. I've read my Bible and prayed~~taking care of the spiritual. Now off to workout~~taking care of the physical. I am also working on my plan for the week (food and exercise), plans keep me on track! I am really trying to find a breakfast solution that is fast, healthy and packed with a balance of protein and carbs. Breakfast is so important and I am terrible about not eating anything until 10 or 11 o'clock~~not good.

Well, I am done rambling for now. Have a blessed Sunday!