Oh That Dreadful Picture!

So I have been doing the mindful eating. It's working for me. . . for the most part. Let me explain. . . .

Yesterday my youngest son was playing with my phone. He knows how and loves to take pictures. Usually those pictures are of the floor or ceiling or his chubby little thumb, but the other night he took different pics. He took pictures of his mommy (he is getting better at point and click). Oh the horror!

I go through my phone every few days and delete all the crazy little pics he takes but I was just appalled. I know we don't realize how we look sometimes, I am very aware of how big I am, but I don't get my picture taken. Ever. And not only did he take my picture, he took profile pictures while I was sitting down. When I say oh the horror, I mean it. It was ugly folks, really ugly. It threw me into a negative thinking binge session (binging on negative thoughts). I didn't over eat (shocking, I know) but that's probably because there isn't really any good, emotional binge eating food here (ie, Reeses, Brownies, soda, etc). I'm glad I didn't over eat. But I am incredibly sad.

I am sad that I allowed this to happen to myself. Yes, negative, mean, ugly, sad stuff from my past propelled me into being an emotional over eater, but ultimately I did this. I ate the rubbish and I look like rubbish. I don't even know how my husband still loves me. Truly.

I am so ashamed.

The New PJ's

I love pj's. To me there is nothing better than a new pair of pj's. I have many sets and yet I keep getting more.

Last week I went shopping with a friend. I was just browsing until I came across the cutest pair of blue pj's. They were terribly cute with fabric rosettes, a ruffle and incredibly soft fabric. Best of all, they were on sale. No way could I pass them up.

That evening when time for comfy clothes I put on the new pj's. I was sitting on the couch reading when Superhubs came home from work. He says, "what are you wearing"?, my response, "pj's". We are very profound. He says, "they look weird, like a tutu". I was a little stunned. Let me say here, Superhubs was NOT criticizing me, he was criticizing the pj's. I don't mind that he didn't like them, I did and we both know that they are for sleeping, not going to the theatre. But he did something that he didn't know was going to do or did. He planted a picture in my head. You know, those pictures that pop up when someone says something and no matter how hard you try to shake it, you can't.

Put her in a blue tutu and this is what I see every time I wear the pj's.



It is a perfect depiction of how I feel usually, but especially with those pj's on. A hippo, trying to float through life in something that doesn't suit her body.

I'm a Warrior in a Pink Polka-Dot Bandana

Today I found myself frustrated. Frustrated at myself. The scale. But mostly at myself.

I mean, I know that the scale isn't going to move unless I give a reason too, but it just seems like it's broken or something. It hasn't budged.

I feel like I'm working out, eating okay (I need to really tighten this up) but it's not showing.

I just watched last night's premiere of the Biggest Loser. It was not a typical BL, but I liked it. I always feel inspired by the show. Some people may not, may even feel frustrated by the show, but it gives me hope. I think it's because I can "see" people doing the things that I and most of us think we can't do. By the end of each show I'm thinking, "if they can do THAT, I can surely make it through 60 minutes of moderate cardio!!"

So I woke up this morning feeling frustrated, I think I may have mentioned that. I was feeling tired of the fight. Tired of watching every little calorie that goes in my mouth. Tired of feeling terrible, trying to lose weight to fix it, but feeling too bad to do what it takes to fix it. Yes, I know, I'm speaking in circles. The journey looks so long.

Then I went to hulu to see if BL was up from last night and to my surprise it was. In season's past it would be up the next week. So I clicked it. I have tons of stuff to do today, but I wanted to watch it.

I'm glad I did. I feel inspired. I was reminded that if I don't do this, I will die young. Sometimes I think we forget, I know I do, because we are so used to being overweight and we live our lives, that we are in bad health. Even if we don't think we are.

So I sat myself down and gave myself a good talkin' too. I reminded myself that I am strong. I am capable. It will not happen over night, but it will happen. I just have to stay the course and keep fighting the fight of fat. I hate the word obese. I mean really HATE it. I know I am, why must I use that word. But I did today. I looked in the mirror and said, "you are obese, you must do something about it. Quit feeling down about how much there is to lose and just DO IT already."

I took out my pink polka dot bandana (my favorite one). I tied it around my head and looked in the mirror. I am a Warrior, in the true since of the word. Here is what Wikipedia says is the definition of warrior;
~~"A warrior is a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate warrior class. According to the Random House Dictionary, the term warrior has two meanings. The first literal use refers to "someone engaged or experienced in warfare." The second figurative use refers to "a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics." ~~

I just happen to belong to two teams of Warriors here on SP. One is the Wii Warriors, racing toward a finish line. The other is the Bronze Warriors, challenging ourselves in biggest loser challenges.

We are fighting the battle of obesity, fighting off death to keep it as far down the road as possible. Even warriors get tired or frustrated. Warriors are human too. But warriors don't stay that way for long because the battle will not wait for me to have a pity party. I. must. keep. fighting. My life depends on it.

Warrior just seems to be the word used to describe my life. And yes, I fight wearing a pink polka dot bandana.

Measuring Stick

So my Awesome August isn't quite going as planned. This last week I've just completely lacked in the trying department. I didn't track my calories, I didn't really track my fitness (even though I did work out) and basically stepped back and chilled. I really thought I would not be happy with what the scale had to tell me. But it wasn't as bad as I thought. Actually I had lost a pound, which considering my week is pretty good. When I don't track my food, I don't usually do well.

I realized I was putting undo pressure on myself to reach a certain number by a certain date. Too much pressure. Its one thing to have goals its another to be putting a crazy amount of pressure on yourself knowing the goal is probably just out reach. I mean I want goals to keep myself motivated but I had gotten to the point of weighing more than once per day, eating crazy low calories (which in my head I know doesn't work) and exercising like crazy to burn up 1000 calories per day. Even though I like to believe I'm a kinda smart cookie, I wasn't being smart about this. And true to form I got frustrated and felt so defeated after the whole scale situation. I felt so defeated to know that I am doing all this and saw so little results on the scale.

This morning I got up and decided to re-evaluate my goals as to what would make August Awesome. Is the number on the scale more important that feeling good? The inches I've lost so far tell a greater story than the scale. What would make me say that I succeeded in the month of August?

The answers: the number on the scale is important because it is an indicator of my health, but if I am feeling better, stronger and more energized then I have succeeded. And lets be honest here, any loss is a success right? The inches I've lost make my heart sore! I love that my clothes fit better and some clothes that didn't fit now do. I shouldn't measure success by the scale, the scale is just the product of my success.

My success is my daily achievements off the scale, like staying in my calorie range, eating nutrient dense food, hitting my calorie burn and exercise goals for the month. I have to remind myself this is about getting healthy, not a race to the finish line.

So it is going to be an Awesome August regardless of the scale. My measuring stick is no longer a board on the floor.

Weight In:
~~Wii Board 319.1
~~Scale 324.7

Discouraged

I am discouraged today. I thought I was making BIG progress and dropping serious pounds. Turns out I'm not. I think my Wii board is messing up. Yesterday it gave me an eight pound loss in two days. Today a seven pound gain. I think its because I (unintentionally) weighed last week with the Wii board on my yoga mat and thats what I've been doing and its too squishy for that. When I set it back on the floor it gives me a weight of 321 not 312. I'm very sad. I have been working so hard, apparently not hard enough. I do have the consulation that I am losing inches.

So back to the drawing board and a new scale. I am still determined to make my goal but I'm not nearly where I thought I was or wanted to be. I refuse to give up though. I maintain my goal of 299 by September 1st! I just need to change things up.

Any suggestions??