FAILURE

Failure. That word looms over me like a great storm cloud full of lightening ready to strike.

It's the biggest thing that hinders me. My fear of failure is what keeps me starting and stopping. I think it's because in the back of my head I don't really believe I can do it. I have ALWAYS been over weight. I have never been thin or even just chubby. Since for as long as I can remember I have been overweight.

I haven't blogged for a long time but I have been dieting. I am currently at 310. I just can't seem to get past 300. I am afraid of failing. It's been easier to just stop trying rather than fail. There is just something so frustrating about exercising through the pain, eating veggies until they come out my ears and the scale not move.

But this time I have decided that if I fail I will fail fighting. I will fight for health for as long as it takes. Quitting isn't an option. I must fight for my health.

So failure can loom overheard if it wants, but it won't get the chance to rain today.

I'm a Warrior in a Pink Polka-Dot Bandana

Today I found myself frustrated. Frustrated at myself. The scale. But mostly at myself.

I mean, I know that the scale isn't going to move unless I give a reason too, but it just seems like it's broken or something. It hasn't budged.

I feel like I'm working out, eating okay (I need to really tighten this up) but it's not showing.

I just watched last night's premiere of the Biggest Loser. It was not a typical BL, but I liked it. I always feel inspired by the show. Some people may not, may even feel frustrated by the show, but it gives me hope. I think it's because I can "see" people doing the things that I and most of us think we can't do. By the end of each show I'm thinking, "if they can do THAT, I can surely make it through 60 minutes of moderate cardio!!"

So I woke up this morning feeling frustrated, I think I may have mentioned that. I was feeling tired of the fight. Tired of watching every little calorie that goes in my mouth. Tired of feeling terrible, trying to lose weight to fix it, but feeling too bad to do what it takes to fix it. Yes, I know, I'm speaking in circles. The journey looks so long.

Then I went to hulu to see if BL was up from last night and to my surprise it was. In season's past it would be up the next week. So I clicked it. I have tons of stuff to do today, but I wanted to watch it.

I'm glad I did. I feel inspired. I was reminded that if I don't do this, I will die young. Sometimes I think we forget, I know I do, because we are so used to being overweight and we live our lives, that we are in bad health. Even if we don't think we are.

So I sat myself down and gave myself a good talkin' too. I reminded myself that I am strong. I am capable. It will not happen over night, but it will happen. I just have to stay the course and keep fighting the fight of fat. I hate the word obese. I mean really HATE it. I know I am, why must I use that word. But I did today. I looked in the mirror and said, "you are obese, you must do something about it. Quit feeling down about how much there is to lose and just DO IT already."

I took out my pink polka dot bandana (my favorite one). I tied it around my head and looked in the mirror. I am a Warrior, in the true since of the word. Here is what Wikipedia says is the definition of warrior;
~~"A warrior is a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate warrior class. According to the Random House Dictionary, the term warrior has two meanings. The first literal use refers to "someone engaged or experienced in warfare." The second figurative use refers to "a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics." ~~

I just happen to belong to two teams of Warriors here on SP. One is the Wii Warriors, racing toward a finish line. The other is the Bronze Warriors, challenging ourselves in biggest loser challenges.

We are fighting the battle of obesity, fighting off death to keep it as far down the road as possible. Even warriors get tired or frustrated. Warriors are human too. But warriors don't stay that way for long because the battle will not wait for me to have a pity party. I. must. keep. fighting. My life depends on it.

Warrior just seems to be the word used to describe my life. And yes, I fight wearing a pink polka dot bandana.

Changing My Focus

I have yet again decided to change up my plan a little. I was putting an unbelievable amount of stress on myself to lose a certain number of pounds, by a certain date. Now I realize that we call that a goal, but I had become obsessed with making that deadline and I ended up putting my health (and sanity) at risk.

So, as I have said before I am on Sparkpeople and I started a new Biggest Loser Challenge today. Its a ten week challenge and I am co-captain of a team. I have been a part of this team for over a year now and we have different challenges and then when not in a challenge we keep each other motivated. I love it. So BLC 15 started today and one of the things we always do the first week is decide on our goals for the challenge. I really took time to think about it, I wanted to make wise goals. For this challenge instead of saying that I was going to drop a crazy amount of weight, I decided to make my goal focused on my food. Tracking every single thing that I eat or drink. Staying within my calorie range, keeping evening snacks to a minimum and eating at least seven servings of freggies per day. Also trying out fresh, new recipes and eating all (or almost all) of our meals at home. Of course I also have exercise goals for each day that I want to hit, but I'm not focusing on the scale this time. Whatever happens on the scale is just an added benefit.

See I have a tendency to throw all the attention on the scale, doing really well on the food for 3 even 4 weeks at a time. I get discouraged with the scale and go buy a box of donuts (thinking why am I sacrificing the good stuff for no return). I have to change the eating habits, permanently, if I am even going to get this weight off and kept off!!! If I develop the eating and exercising (the lifestyle), the scale will follow. It doesn't have a choice, it just may not be in my time frame.

Do I want to get below 300? More than you know. Am I going to obsess and stress over it? Not anymore. I'll do what I can and accept the weight loss I'm getting as it comes.

As a side note I've been soda free for 50 days!!! I think I deserve a chip to put on my key chain!

Measuring Stick

So my Awesome August isn't quite going as planned. This last week I've just completely lacked in the trying department. I didn't track my calories, I didn't really track my fitness (even though I did work out) and basically stepped back and chilled. I really thought I would not be happy with what the scale had to tell me. But it wasn't as bad as I thought. Actually I had lost a pound, which considering my week is pretty good. When I don't track my food, I don't usually do well.

I realized I was putting undo pressure on myself to reach a certain number by a certain date. Too much pressure. Its one thing to have goals its another to be putting a crazy amount of pressure on yourself knowing the goal is probably just out reach. I mean I want goals to keep myself motivated but I had gotten to the point of weighing more than once per day, eating crazy low calories (which in my head I know doesn't work) and exercising like crazy to burn up 1000 calories per day. Even though I like to believe I'm a kinda smart cookie, I wasn't being smart about this. And true to form I got frustrated and felt so defeated after the whole scale situation. I felt so defeated to know that I am doing all this and saw so little results on the scale.

This morning I got up and decided to re-evaluate my goals as to what would make August Awesome. Is the number on the scale more important that feeling good? The inches I've lost so far tell a greater story than the scale. What would make me say that I succeeded in the month of August?

The answers: the number on the scale is important because it is an indicator of my health, but if I am feeling better, stronger and more energized then I have succeeded. And lets be honest here, any loss is a success right? The inches I've lost make my heart sore! I love that my clothes fit better and some clothes that didn't fit now do. I shouldn't measure success by the scale, the scale is just the product of my success.

My success is my daily achievements off the scale, like staying in my calorie range, eating nutrient dense food, hitting my calorie burn and exercise goals for the month. I have to remind myself this is about getting healthy, not a race to the finish line.

So it is going to be an Awesome August regardless of the scale. My measuring stick is no longer a board on the floor.

Weight In:
~~Wii Board 319.1
~~Scale 324.7

BLAH!!

That's how I feel today. Just BLAH! I did some yoga, some strength training and some Wii, but I am not sure my heart was in it. I feel like I am stuck. Every time I make progress, I take two steps back.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I just feel like I keep hitting a wall. I am still working toward my goal but I am not having as much confidence that I'm going to make it.

I wanted to do a cleanse from the book I'm reading. I got the supplies and I did really well all day yesterday even though I was starving and weak. Until last night. I had only had 480 calories (8 servings of black grapes) all day and water. I was shaking. At the time I felt like I needed to eat something else or I was really going to hurt myself. So I ate. Then came the guilt. I still feel guilty today. I feel like I gave up. I did read further in my book and realized I am probably not in a healthy condition to do that but I can't help but feel guilty. So this morning my little son was eating a donut and so I had a few little donut holes too (total emotional eating). Now the guilt has compounded.

Even though I am feeling rather BLAH, I will make this a good day. I will eat healthy and make sure that my calories are in range and also that I am exercising the way I know I need too. I must keep pressing forward.

This is me pushing back t

Discouraged

I am discouraged today. I thought I was making BIG progress and dropping serious pounds. Turns out I'm not. I think my Wii board is messing up. Yesterday it gave me an eight pound loss in two days. Today a seven pound gain. I think its because I (unintentionally) weighed last week with the Wii board on my yoga mat and thats what I've been doing and its too squishy for that. When I set it back on the floor it gives me a weight of 321 not 312. I'm very sad. I have been working so hard, apparently not hard enough. I do have the consulation that I am losing inches.

So back to the drawing board and a new scale. I am still determined to make my goal but I'm not nearly where I thought I was or wanted to be. I refuse to give up though. I maintain my goal of 299 by September 1st! I just need to change things up.

Any suggestions??

The Mirror Got to Me, But Not the Tape Measure!

Yesterday was kind of, well, I went from being kind of on high to touching ground again.

I get so very excited about progress. Pounds lost, inches melted away and I get to where I am just floating. Yesterday morning that was me. I was just on high. Super excited! Then I took a good look in the mirror. A really good look. And I came back to earth.

I am not sad, depressed or frustrated. Just livin' in reality. I remembered (not that I truly forgot), how far I have to go. Its a long journey. I don't like the way I look. I want it GONE, NOW! But alas, it doesn't work that way!! LOL Unfortunately gaining weight is as easy as putting that doughnut in my mouth but losing that doughnut takes hours of work, lots of determination and pain! I enjoy exercising, but I can't say I love it, yet. I'm getting there. Yesterday was a pivotal point because usually when I start to think of the LONG road ahead, I get discouraged and grab a ding dong. I didn't though. I kept to the plan.

So the mirror got to me. But this morning I decided that I needed to "see" some change so I did measurements. I am very happy with the results.

Down another 4.25 inches over various body regions!! I'll take that. Another reminder that its working. I just have to stay the course. I will not be my own worst enemy anymore. I will not sabotage all my progress. It is progress, despite the long road ahead I have lost 21 pounds and lots (I haven't totaled up the inches) of inches.

So mirror do your best, I will push on. I have too.

{{Added about 2 minutes after posting!! I went to my journal and added up the inches lost~~~19 inches exactly~~~~YES, YES, YES)