Craving. . . . .

Last year was a huge year for me. Not in the area of weight loss but in a spiritual and emotional way. God brought me through some tough issues that had me bound for a long time and was and is directly linked to my obesity. I have struggled with losing weight for as long as I can remember. The first diet I dieted I was 12. Twenty years is too long to be fighting the battle of the bulge. Twenty years of new years resolutions. Twenty years of yo-yoking around but ultimately over the years just gaining more and more. I knew there were deeper issues and now I feel more equipped to deal with things without burying them in brownies. So I'm starting this year off with reading a new book. I have already made other decisions concerning food and how it relates to my health but as I continue to fight the emotional eating I'm reading Lisa Terkurst's book, "Made to Crave". I feel like every step is another key to unlocking this shackles and give me more freedom on this weight loss journey.

I will be blogging here more consistently about my journey. Hopefully, by God's and with His strength, this will be my year to make it to fabulous.

Stats as of January 1:

Weight---331.4

In Jesus name, that will be the last time I ever see that number!!

Oh That Dreadful Picture!

So I have been doing the mindful eating. It's working for me. . . for the most part. Let me explain. . . .

Yesterday my youngest son was playing with my phone. He knows how and loves to take pictures. Usually those pictures are of the floor or ceiling or his chubby little thumb, but the other night he took different pics. He took pictures of his mommy (he is getting better at point and click). Oh the horror!

I go through my phone every few days and delete all the crazy little pics he takes but I was just appalled. I know we don't realize how we look sometimes, I am very aware of how big I am, but I don't get my picture taken. Ever. And not only did he take my picture, he took profile pictures while I was sitting down. When I say oh the horror, I mean it. It was ugly folks, really ugly. It threw me into a negative thinking binge session (binging on negative thoughts). I didn't over eat (shocking, I know) but that's probably because there isn't really any good, emotional binge eating food here (ie, Reeses, Brownies, soda, etc). I'm glad I didn't over eat. But I am incredibly sad.

I am sad that I allowed this to happen to myself. Yes, negative, mean, ugly, sad stuff from my past propelled me into being an emotional over eater, but ultimately I did this. I ate the rubbish and I look like rubbish. I don't even know how my husband still loves me. Truly.

I am so ashamed.

Mindfully Eating

I am trying something new! Something revolutionary! Something I have known for a long time! I am working on my mind/food connection instead of counting calories. Crazy, I know! (I have known and said for years that it's a mindset, but I didn't do it.)

I am reading and going through the Am I Hungry program written my Michelle May, MD. It is WONDERFUL and so liberating!! I am looking at food in a different way, I am looking at myself in a new way. Counting calories hasn't worked by me for any extended period of time. I am an emotional eater to the extreme and I am now more conscious of what I am eating and why I am eating it. Its awesome. I feel like food no longer has a hold on me, I have a firm hold on it. I feel liberated!!

The weight isn't dropping off like mad, but it's coming off and I feel better, emotionally and physically.

My journey feels so much less burdensome. This no longer feels hopeless.

Changing My Focus

I have yet again decided to change up my plan a little. I was putting an unbelievable amount of stress on myself to lose a certain number of pounds, by a certain date. Now I realize that we call that a goal, but I had become obsessed with making that deadline and I ended up putting my health (and sanity) at risk.

So, as I have said before I am on Sparkpeople and I started a new Biggest Loser Challenge today. Its a ten week challenge and I am co-captain of a team. I have been a part of this team for over a year now and we have different challenges and then when not in a challenge we keep each other motivated. I love it. So BLC 15 started today and one of the things we always do the first week is decide on our goals for the challenge. I really took time to think about it, I wanted to make wise goals. For this challenge instead of saying that I was going to drop a crazy amount of weight, I decided to make my goal focused on my food. Tracking every single thing that I eat or drink. Staying within my calorie range, keeping evening snacks to a minimum and eating at least seven servings of freggies per day. Also trying out fresh, new recipes and eating all (or almost all) of our meals at home. Of course I also have exercise goals for each day that I want to hit, but I'm not focusing on the scale this time. Whatever happens on the scale is just an added benefit.

See I have a tendency to throw all the attention on the scale, doing really well on the food for 3 even 4 weeks at a time. I get discouraged with the scale and go buy a box of donuts (thinking why am I sacrificing the good stuff for no return). I have to change the eating habits, permanently, if I am even going to get this weight off and kept off!!! If I develop the eating and exercising (the lifestyle), the scale will follow. It doesn't have a choice, it just may not be in my time frame.

Do I want to get below 300? More than you know. Am I going to obsess and stress over it? Not anymore. I'll do what I can and accept the weight loss I'm getting as it comes.

As a side note I've been soda free for 50 days!!! I think I deserve a chip to put on my key chain!

BLAH!!

That's how I feel today. Just BLAH! I did some yoga, some strength training and some Wii, but I am not sure my heart was in it. I feel like I am stuck. Every time I make progress, I take two steps back.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I just feel like I keep hitting a wall. I am still working toward my goal but I am not having as much confidence that I'm going to make it.

I wanted to do a cleanse from the book I'm reading. I got the supplies and I did really well all day yesterday even though I was starving and weak. Until last night. I had only had 480 calories (8 servings of black grapes) all day and water. I was shaking. At the time I felt like I needed to eat something else or I was really going to hurt myself. So I ate. Then came the guilt. I still feel guilty today. I feel like I gave up. I did read further in my book and realized I am probably not in a healthy condition to do that but I can't help but feel guilty. So this morning my little son was eating a donut and so I had a few little donut holes too (total emotional eating). Now the guilt has compounded.

Even though I am feeling rather BLAH, I will make this a good day. I will eat healthy and make sure that my calories are in range and also that I am exercising the way I know I need too. I must keep pressing forward.

This is me pushing back t

The Day the Mini Doughnuts Won

I have been doing so well. Monitoring my calories and being well within my range everyday. I have been exercising daily and increasing my intensity everyday. I am back to drinking at least 10 cups of water everyday.

Then yesterday evening happened.

We went out to eat. The food I ate tasted good. And I didn't really eat a lot of it, but I left feeling like I had eaten a brick. I was full and miserable.

I stopped at the market to pick up some juice and milk for the family and I made the mistake of taking my four year old in with me. I lovingly refer to him as my Sparkplug and he wanted doughnuts. Powered and chocolate covered. Now, I don't buy these items very often. Maybe once a month, maybe even less than that. My kids love fruit and veg and, well, doughnuts. I thought about it and I said okay. No reason they shouldn't have a treat just because I am trying to get healthy and lose weight.

Powered doughnuts have no hold on me whatsoever. I could care less. I should have just bought those. Chocolate doughnuts on the other hand, well, they call my name from the bag. They may even call my name from the grocery store and I live to far away to hear it. I resisted, until this afternoon.

Then all was lost. I found myself having downed 9 miniature doughnuts, which for mini doughnuts pack a wallop in the calorie department. I am so mad! At me! Just call me Joy Self-sabotage!!

So between last night and today, I feel awful. Yes, I feel guilty, but more importantly I FEEL awful, physically. I am tired. My stomach is arguing with me about my choices and my head is pounding. I was feeling so good. My fibro flare was all but out. My arthritis pain was 80% better. I didn't feel like I was walking around in a fog anymore. I didn't enjoy that meal last night. Yes as the food was passing my tongue I did, but afterward I just felt YUCKY! Then now, as I type this, I could just lay my head down and nap!

So now that I've properly kicked myself in the back-side I will pick myself up and I will go work out. I will work these doughnuts off. Watermelon for dinner!

Emotions

My emotions have been getting the best of me. And I eat my emotions. So lets just say that my weight loss is not going so great. I love to exercise. I enjoy it, but my eating is keeping me from losing weight. I do really well and then suddenly I fall to pieces and eat everything in sight!! I hate that!!

I did have a long night with Mr. Man-of-the-House last night and I know that he is trying to be helpful but for some reason I don't process it. He loves me no matter what, but he wants me to be around for awhile and if I am going to do that I HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. Its such a daunting thought that I need to lose 180 pounds to be in my healthy BMI range. That's so much weight, I feel overwhelmed. I know others have done it and even lost more than that. I can too. I just really need to get my head in this game.

I am going to start posting here everyday. I am going to starting thinking with a positive attitude instead of a defeated one. I am going back to the one day at a time and celebrate my daily successes. Most of the time I don't think to positively about myself which leads to defeatedness which leads to Ding-dongs and Reeses. I have to break the cycle. I will.

I will.

I'm Back and I'm More Determined Than Ever Before

I realize that I have been so inconsistent. I totally let things go the last part of this year. I ate and ate whatever I wanted, I drank enough soda to float a battle ship and my clothes got tighter and tighter. I now weigh over 330. I don't have an exact number because the Wii Fit only goes up to 330. I am feeling really angry right now that I let myself get like this. Am I letting the anger go? Absolutely not!! I am going to let that anger fuel my desire for a healthier life. I am not angry at my husband, or kids or anyone else. It's my fault, I let it happen. I allowed my stress and emotions to dictate my menu's and drink choices. I chose to eat that chocolate and tacos and nachos. No more. No stress or gooey white cheese is worth my health. No more guilt, just anger. Guilt makes me want a Hersey bar, anger makes me want to work out.

Tomorrow I'll be posting my plan for my weight loss journey. I am taking it 25 pound sections. The first 25 pounds is my goal. It's easier to focus on 1 25 pound increment at a time rather than look at it as needing to lose 175 pounds.

I started reading a new book and I really like it so far. It's called the One Day Way and the lady that wrote it has lost over 200 pounds and kept it off. The whole premise of the book is one day at a time. I'm not far in it yet to expound any more, but so far it's been about making the best day of today, not what we did yesterday or can do tomorrow. Focus on today. That's what I'm going to do. Focus on today. Today is what I have control over. Yesterday (last week, last month) is gone. Tomorrow isn't here yet. Today I can control.

It's going to be a good day.

Digging My Heals In

Hello!! I am Joy. I am a very overweight mom and who wants to blog her way to a healthier lifestyle. I am on a journey. Won't you come join me, I know I need all the support I can get!

I am an Apostolic mom to three beautiful, funny, bright and super active kids. I don't want to be the mom I am now. The mom who can't go down the slide because her bum is too wide. The mom who can't run around the playground because her lungs might explode. I mean, I am a hefty gal and I would hate for the headlines to read, "Overweight mom has a heart attack playing soccer with her four year old". So it's time to put action to what I want to be, rather than sit on the sidelines and hope.

I have been over weight for as long as I can remember. I came from a loving and stable home. I liked to eat. I liked all the sweets and the starches (potatoes remain a favorite). I had lots of friends at school, but I also had lots of harassers. You know those mean kids who loved to point out that I was fat, chubby, fluffy or whatever you call it. As I grew older, like Junior High and High School, I have to say that life was difficult. I still had friends, but I was teased mercilessly by "the others". My heart was as heavy as my outside shell. I never told my parents. I never told anyone. No one except those kids who watched my humiliation knew anything was even being said to me. I learned that eating a chocolate bar eased my pain. By the time I graduated I was at my then, all time heaviest. I have now exceeded that. I went off to college and life was pretty good, but I still leaned on food and soda for stress relief. But college was good for me, because I was happy. I lost 34 pounds as a freshman and was down 4 dress sizes from the time I started school.

I met my now husband~~Amazing Man~~during the summer after my freshman year of college. We fell in love and married ten months after meeting. We had our first child a year and two months later. As life got stressful, I ate. And ate. And ate. And now 10 years and four kids later, I am at my all time heaviest. . . 325 pounds. I can't believe I just posted that. I used to say, I'll never get that big. Here I am, that big.

At the beginning of 2009, I had every intention of losing 100 pounds this year. Needless to say, I actually gained 10 pounds from the beginning of the year. I am taking control over my emotions. I am taking control over my addictions. I have known God in a personal way my whole life, I didn't need food to soothe me. I am tapping into God for a whole new purpose~~slaying my food addiction giant! I have faith for provision and healing and all sorts of things, but I never tapped into my faith for help in this area of my life.

I believe in the verse that says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me"~~Philippians 4:13. I know I can't do this myself. I have tried many times and failed. This time I am going to do this the right way, with God helping me.

My name is Joy. I weigh 325 pounds and I know I can't lose all this weight on my own. I hope you'll join me in this process of weeding through the hurt and food that got me here.