Craving. . . . .

Last year was a huge year for me. Not in the area of weight loss but in a spiritual and emotional way. God brought me through some tough issues that had me bound for a long time and was and is directly linked to my obesity. I have struggled with losing weight for as long as I can remember. The first diet I dieted I was 12. Twenty years is too long to be fighting the battle of the bulge. Twenty years of new years resolutions. Twenty years of yo-yoking around but ultimately over the years just gaining more and more. I knew there were deeper issues and now I feel more equipped to deal with things without burying them in brownies. So I'm starting this year off with reading a new book. I have already made other decisions concerning food and how it relates to my health but as I continue to fight the emotional eating I'm reading Lisa Terkurst's book, "Made to Crave". I feel like every step is another key to unlocking this shackles and give me more freedom on this weight loss journey.

I will be blogging here more consistently about my journey. Hopefully, by God's and with His strength, this will be my year to make it to fabulous.

Stats as of January 1:

Weight---331.4

In Jesus name, that will be the last time I ever see that number!!

Oh That Dreadful Picture!

So I have been doing the mindful eating. It's working for me. . . for the most part. Let me explain. . . .

Yesterday my youngest son was playing with my phone. He knows how and loves to take pictures. Usually those pictures are of the floor or ceiling or his chubby little thumb, but the other night he took different pics. He took pictures of his mommy (he is getting better at point and click). Oh the horror!

I go through my phone every few days and delete all the crazy little pics he takes but I was just appalled. I know we don't realize how we look sometimes, I am very aware of how big I am, but I don't get my picture taken. Ever. And not only did he take my picture, he took profile pictures while I was sitting down. When I say oh the horror, I mean it. It was ugly folks, really ugly. It threw me into a negative thinking binge session (binging on negative thoughts). I didn't over eat (shocking, I know) but that's probably because there isn't really any good, emotional binge eating food here (ie, Reeses, Brownies, soda, etc). I'm glad I didn't over eat. But I am incredibly sad.

I am sad that I allowed this to happen to myself. Yes, negative, mean, ugly, sad stuff from my past propelled me into being an emotional over eater, but ultimately I did this. I ate the rubbish and I look like rubbish. I don't even know how my husband still loves me. Truly.

I am so ashamed.

Mindfully Eating

I am trying something new! Something revolutionary! Something I have known for a long time! I am working on my mind/food connection instead of counting calories. Crazy, I know! (I have known and said for years that it's a mindset, but I didn't do it.)

I am reading and going through the Am I Hungry program written my Michelle May, MD. It is WONDERFUL and so liberating!! I am looking at food in a different way, I am looking at myself in a new way. Counting calories hasn't worked by me for any extended period of time. I am an emotional eater to the extreme and I am now more conscious of what I am eating and why I am eating it. Its awesome. I feel like food no longer has a hold on me, I have a firm hold on it. I feel liberated!!

The weight isn't dropping off like mad, but it's coming off and I feel better, emotionally and physically.

My journey feels so much less burdensome. This no longer feels hopeless.

The New PJ's

I love pj's. To me there is nothing better than a new pair of pj's. I have many sets and yet I keep getting more.

Last week I went shopping with a friend. I was just browsing until I came across the cutest pair of blue pj's. They were terribly cute with fabric rosettes, a ruffle and incredibly soft fabric. Best of all, they were on sale. No way could I pass them up.

That evening when time for comfy clothes I put on the new pj's. I was sitting on the couch reading when Superhubs came home from work. He says, "what are you wearing"?, my response, "pj's". We are very profound. He says, "they look weird, like a tutu". I was a little stunned. Let me say here, Superhubs was NOT criticizing me, he was criticizing the pj's. I don't mind that he didn't like them, I did and we both know that they are for sleeping, not going to the theatre. But he did something that he didn't know was going to do or did. He planted a picture in my head. You know, those pictures that pop up when someone says something and no matter how hard you try to shake it, you can't.

Put her in a blue tutu and this is what I see every time I wear the pj's.



It is a perfect depiction of how I feel usually, but especially with those pj's on. A hippo, trying to float through life in something that doesn't suit her body.

Definition

I have done the research. I have read the books. I know the process and procedures. I know the exercises. I know the definition of weight loss.

But knowledge doesn't melt the fat off of a person.

I recently decided to get a therapist. Very recently, I have only been once. See for the last two years, at least, I have been counseling myself. And not very well I might add, so I decided I really needed to reach out and ask/get the help I need. This was HUGE for me. Talking about my food addiction and emotional eating issues and the issues I eat over, are something I never, NEVER share. Some things I have never told anyone.

Even after one session with Dr. J, I knew it was exactly what I needed. I adopted the pen name Joy because that is what I like to have around me and what I like to exude, but for the last couple of months I have been anything but joyful. I have some deep hurts and wounds to address that I was hoping would just heal and I could move on. Well I moved on but my hurts never actually healed. I ignored them as reasons. I passed the overeating off as simply, a lack of will power. Then I finally adopted the fact that it was an addiction, still never really knowing why. I have identified some of the reasons and now I am ready to deal with those and move ahead. Definition.

I will also be taking a class/group on Mindful Eating. This will be my new approach to weight loss. No more wild goals that are not realistically achievable. I am going to get healthy, mentally, emotionally and physically~even if that takes a longer than I want. More than dropping weight fast, I want to drop it permanently. Definition.

I am going to definition. I plan on blogging my way through this. The good, the bad, the ugly. Whatever comes out, comes out.

FAILURE

Failure. That word looms over me like a great storm cloud full of lightening ready to strike.

It's the biggest thing that hinders me. My fear of failure is what keeps me starting and stopping. I think it's because in the back of my head I don't really believe I can do it. I have ALWAYS been over weight. I have never been thin or even just chubby. Since for as long as I can remember I have been overweight.

I haven't blogged for a long time but I have been dieting. I am currently at 310. I just can't seem to get past 300. I am afraid of failing. It's been easier to just stop trying rather than fail. There is just something so frustrating about exercising through the pain, eating veggies until they come out my ears and the scale not move.

But this time I have decided that if I fail I will fail fighting. I will fight for health for as long as it takes. Quitting isn't an option. I must fight for my health.

So failure can loom overheard if it wants, but it won't get the chance to rain today.

I'm a Warrior in a Pink Polka-Dot Bandana

Today I found myself frustrated. Frustrated at myself. The scale. But mostly at myself.

I mean, I know that the scale isn't going to move unless I give a reason too, but it just seems like it's broken or something. It hasn't budged.

I feel like I'm working out, eating okay (I need to really tighten this up) but it's not showing.

I just watched last night's premiere of the Biggest Loser. It was not a typical BL, but I liked it. I always feel inspired by the show. Some people may not, may even feel frustrated by the show, but it gives me hope. I think it's because I can "see" people doing the things that I and most of us think we can't do. By the end of each show I'm thinking, "if they can do THAT, I can surely make it through 60 minutes of moderate cardio!!"

So I woke up this morning feeling frustrated, I think I may have mentioned that. I was feeling tired of the fight. Tired of watching every little calorie that goes in my mouth. Tired of feeling terrible, trying to lose weight to fix it, but feeling too bad to do what it takes to fix it. Yes, I know, I'm speaking in circles. The journey looks so long.

Then I went to hulu to see if BL was up from last night and to my surprise it was. In season's past it would be up the next week. So I clicked it. I have tons of stuff to do today, but I wanted to watch it.

I'm glad I did. I feel inspired. I was reminded that if I don't do this, I will die young. Sometimes I think we forget, I know I do, because we are so used to being overweight and we live our lives, that we are in bad health. Even if we don't think we are.

So I sat myself down and gave myself a good talkin' too. I reminded myself that I am strong. I am capable. It will not happen over night, but it will happen. I just have to stay the course and keep fighting the fight of fat. I hate the word obese. I mean really HATE it. I know I am, why must I use that word. But I did today. I looked in the mirror and said, "you are obese, you must do something about it. Quit feeling down about how much there is to lose and just DO IT already."

I took out my pink polka dot bandana (my favorite one). I tied it around my head and looked in the mirror. I am a Warrior, in the true since of the word. Here is what Wikipedia says is the definition of warrior;
~~"A warrior is a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate warrior class. According to the Random House Dictionary, the term warrior has two meanings. The first literal use refers to "someone engaged or experienced in warfare." The second figurative use refers to "a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics." ~~

I just happen to belong to two teams of Warriors here on SP. One is the Wii Warriors, racing toward a finish line. The other is the Bronze Warriors, challenging ourselves in biggest loser challenges.

We are fighting the battle of obesity, fighting off death to keep it as far down the road as possible. Even warriors get tired or frustrated. Warriors are human too. But warriors don't stay that way for long because the battle will not wait for me to have a pity party. I. must. keep. fighting. My life depends on it.

Warrior just seems to be the word used to describe my life. And yes, I fight wearing a pink polka dot bandana.